Can’t care more about someone’s situation than they do (c) A real nigga proverb

This year has been one of reflection. In 2019 I had to make some tough decisions related to my relationships with people that were extremely difficult to make. I wrestled with these choices for the better part of this past year and POOF just like that, my validation was served to me on a silver platter. Let me share with you what I’m referring to…

Things got really tight after I decided to exit stage left on one of my oldest friendships. I wanted to keep the lines open in hopes that things would smooth themselves out over time, but the subliminal digs on Facebook were a lot and I found myself wanting to defend my choice to strangers (which is never a good thing), so I thought it would be best to pull the plug on all social media connections. However, you know even when connections are severed you still hear stuff through the grapevine… So guess what... I’m documenting said tea on my online journal. MY OLDEST FRIEND DUN HAD ANOTHER BABY! Lordt. When I tell you that was all that I needed to hear to drop the weight of the guilt I felt leaving the friendship, that was it. I know it doesn’t make sense… But the timeline… that’s why. I love the saying that the best apology is changed behavior, and her dropping this fresh baby off in the world in a matter of ELEVEN MONTHS after we stopped talking revealed that she ain’t changed one bit.

She has always been someone that has had very strict goals for herself, she is determined and doesn’t let anyone or anything get in the way of those goals, which in many settings can be seen as an admirable characteristic, and in many ways it is. Being a Mom was definitely one of those things. It pained me to watch her persist with this because of how emotionally and physically absent her husband was. But, I know my friend, and knew that she gets what she wants, so I just tried my best to be supportive and loving and fill in the gaps that her husband would leave. I know I wouldn’t have been able to emotionally handle the idea of her bringing yet another life into this world with a man that I find to be cruel and repulsive. Our friendship wouldn’t have survived this second pregnancy for sure. It was hard enough the first go round. And believe me, this isn’t an instance of her telling me too much about the dynamics of her relationship and me not being able to let go or forgive. I’m more of an actions person, and through this “break up” between her and I I’ve learned that she tends to tell a very curated version of events. She did it to her Facebook friends when I first told her my intentions of walking away from our friendship, and she did it again to a mutual friend (I will discuss this in detail later). I am basing my feelings of her husband on the actions that I personally witnessed. He left her to raise her child (financially, physically and emotionally) for the better part of a year…BY HERSELF. That’s hard for me to stomach. I watched someone I love be abandoned by her husband, and watched someone she loved abandon their child. A child that in no way, shape, or form even asked to be here. That was so hard. I sat in her child’s one year birthday party and watched her husband perform for everyone in the room like he was the most upstanding husband and father, when his kid barely even recognized him. Sharing the same space with him at that point almost made me physically ill. But I’m of the mind of “if you like it I love it” and I wanted to stand by and support my friend and her child because I love them, I had no clue how much of a toll that would take on me emotionally. It was shortly after that I knew that I loved them both but I couldn’t participate in my friend’s life choices much longer. They were always her choices to make, but I was no longer including myself in the narrative. Honestly in my heart of hearts I’m just hopeful that her husband needed that year away for himself so that he could be better and commit to his family again. I really hope that this new baby is in an environment that is healthy and nurturing, and that my friend, her husband, and their two children are thriving. I want this soooo badly that the idea of it makes me smile from ear to ear. I hope that me deciding to remove myself from their lives allowed more room for her to pour into them in ways she wouldn’t have been able to if I were around, I hope me leaving no longer enabled her from ultimately getting what she truly wanted. However, the patterns of their behavior lead me to believe that might not be the case.

Hearing the news of baby number two showed me that even her losing “the most important person” is not enough to warrant changed behavior, or steer her off of the path that she had planned for herself. It validated for me that me and my needs would never have room, because she wouldn’t make room for them, especially if they didn’t align with what she wanted  for herself… This was something that I didn’t want to believe and had chosen to ignore and doing so just no longer felt good. Now don’t get me wrong, I ain’t asking to be #1… ESPECIALLY when you have a husband and children, but making the effort to make room is something that I demand in all of my relationships. There are few times when I truly NEED support from my friends… and for her to be so absent over the past five years and for me to justify it but hold everyone else to a higher standard was no longer something that I felt good about doing any more. I knew once I sent that email it would be done. I knew because I know my friend… and I know that she doesn’t fight for anything that isn’t in line with her vision. The husband, the family, the children, THAT was her vision. One that she has fought for, for almost two decades, because it aligned with what she felt her life was supposed to look like. In spite of the plethora of red flags. And I was right there fighting with her, picking up the pieces and standing in the gap, knowing that she was incapable of reciprocity, but loving her and pouring into her anyway. I thought that was what friendship was supposed to look like for us, but when I no longer felt good about the choices that I was making, I knew it was time to let go. In hindsight losing me was an easy loss for her because although having a friend is nice, it isn’t part of the picture that she painted for herself… I was very much disposable. Our relationship was not something that I viewed as disposable. Having friends is something that I value in the same ways that I value having a loving husband and how I would value having a child/children. Though they will never be equal, I place value on all of those things. I knew it wasn’t possible at that time for her to ever consider me in the ways that I considered her because our value system just wasn’t in sync in that way. I was hoping that one day it MIGHT be possible, and who knows… maybe one day it will be. But as of right now, I was proven wrong.

It took me this past year to finally realize what my “spoon in the sink” moment was when it came to our friendship. I THOUGHT it was when she straight up lied to me about her intentions. That was it. I just knew at that moment that we had been performing intimacy because if we were truly close she wouldn’t have felt she had to lie to me about WHY she wanted to move to Israel. I knew it was always an end goal, she had expressed that, but the WHY she shared with me was because it was safer, when I KNEW the why was really that she wanted to try and make her family work. Which was her choice, and I would have respected that, hell, we probably could have even remained friends… But the lie, it was the lie that hurt me most of all. I know it seems so small, but that’s why these “spoon in the sink” moments are so significant. You truly never know what your last straw will be. I now realize that that was the pre-cursor, but that wasn’t what REALLY set it off. I have to provide the back story for this to make sense…

I was in a group chat with my friend, her sister and a friend of theirs that I met through them. I realize now that my true spoon in the sink moment was when their friend came in the chat and was expressing the things that I didn’t even realize that I was feeling. She was talking about how she doesn’t feel like the chat is a place that serves her anymore, and I totally understood that sentiment. It felt like we were performing friendship and people were drifting further and further apart. Their friend and I hadn’t really had a relationship outside of them, and I reached out to see how she was because I knew how deeply she cared for them, and to get some more insight into what prompted what seemed like an abrupt decision. She expressed to me that she had been feeling this way for a while and her saying that in a way forced me to face my feelings head on. At that moment I wasn’t ready to let go emotionally, I was still talking through my feelings with my therapist and was hoping to have more clarity over the next few weeks/months. The true spoon in the sink moment was not too long after that when I saw a message that my friend sent that made me question EVERYTHING. My friend removed their friend from the group and said “I removed her because she said she didn’t want to be me and my sister’s friend anymore because we are single Mom’s.” This statement set my antenna’s off because when I had a conversation with their friend that is not what she said at all… and even in the group she explained and that is not what I took from it. It made me think about how many times in the past that I might have taken my friend’s words as law and had been manipulated. Had I not had that side convo with their friend I would have listened to what my friend said, believed it, and cut their friend off, even though she wouldn’t have deserved that, because the things that my friend said were not what was said at all. It made me think about all of the other times in the past that my friend might have amended the truth so that she appeared a certain way, and how many times I might have reacted based on those lies. I didn’t like the idea of being manipulated in that way. It was at that moment that I knew I too had the cut ties, even though I didn’t feel ready. THAT was my true spoon in the sink moment.

Honestly as I reflect upon this past year I think about how we might have still been friends. Even after I saw her shape shifting the truth on her social media attempting to villainize me for sympathy and various other attention seeking behaviors. I totally could have gotten past that if she could just have been honest with me. I do not expect “radical honesty” in all of my relationships. If she would’ve said she didn’t feel comfortable sharing why she truly wanted to move back to Israel with me, I would have accepted that. But, to have someone lie to you that calls you sister and their closest friend is very hurtful, especially when you KNOW they’re lying. That was the moment that showed me that after all these years we were simply performing closeness, because although EYE would have felt comfortable being candid about my intentions, or expressing to her why I didn’t want to share my intentions, I saw that she was not, and what is the point of this if we can’t be real with each other?

I am not going to lie I still struggle with the idea that she is suffering in silence, and I am not there to support her through it all, but I mean ultimately I didn’t do THAT much, if anything I was just a listening ear. BUT, mothering two children under three with a full time job in a PANDEMIC is no hoe. But then I think about the fact that choices have consequences, and ultimately this had to be what she truly wanted, and as a result was willing to handle all the consequences that came with this choice. It is just hard thinking about the idea that someone you love might be having a hard time. But, she could very well be happy, and just because her life doesn’t align with what I want, that doesn’t mean that she isn’t fulfilled and content. I am rooting for her from the sidelines and am happy to see that she is continuing to manifest what she wanted for her life ever since I’ve known her, even if that means I am not part of the equation. I realized that me walking away from the friendship had very little to do with her, and everything to do with me. I simply could not be the friend that she wanted or needed anymore. She wanted a cosigner and someone who would support her through her choices. She wanted a cheerleader and though that was a role that I happily filled for almost three decades I did not want to spend this part of my life with her being a cheerleader. Once I saw that being that for her was taking its toll on my mental health, that is when I knew what had to be done. This year has validated that I made the right choice a year ago today, she is moving on with her life, and I am going to assume happy and full, which makes me feel good. I chose myself, and she chose her fairy tale, and that is okay.

End of the Road (c) Boyz II Men

In June I let go of my oldest friend. Not because I didn’t love her deeply, but because I loved myself more, and at this stage in my life I need and demand more from my relationships with people…

Before the end of a relationship there always is that pivotal moment, the breaking point, in which you decide you simply can’t go on. For some it could be something that appears so small, especially after enduring what seems like so much worse throughout the years, but everyone’s breaking point is different, and you truly don’t know what it is most times until it happens. For me, in this particular friendship, my breaking point was when my friend casually mentioned that she was moving over 6,000 miles away. Don’t get me wrong, long distance friendships are something I’m quite comfortable and familiar with, so the distance wasn’t what triggered me. It was how casually she mentioned it, and not only that, but how she also very nonchalantly expressed that she had been planning this for over a year, and this was my first time even hearing about it. It made me think… Clearly this person doesn’t value my friendship as much as I thought she did if I was simply an after-thought in the decision, someone not even worthy of discussing it with. I wouldn’t ever make such a big decision without at least having a conversation with her about it, especially if it’s something I had been planning for over a year, because she is someone I value, and because that decision would impact our friendship. At the very least I’d want to have dialogue about it. At that moment I realized that our friendship was missing the thing that I value very highly in all of my relationships… Reciprocity.

I always worried that my friend wasn’t confident in the role that she played in my life. Within the past five or so years I’ve been fortunate enough to foster some meaningful relationships with people… Which for me was unusual, because I’ve always tended to have a pretty small and intimate circle. However, in spite of the lack of familiarity with this new dynamic I embraced it because these people truly added value to my life. These people in no way were meant to drive a wedge between the relationship that I had with my friend, but they did. Quite often she’d make comments like “you have so many friends….” and, “all your other friendsssss” and I didn’t get it. I recognized that she had a very small circle, as I once did, but since my circle was expanding, it created an emotional distance between us. Perhaps I didn’t do a good job reassuring her how valuable and important she was to me, and for that I am deeply sorry. But I ALWAYS made a point to make showing up for her a priority, in spite of the other relationships that I had developed with others.

I in no way, form, or fashion compared my oldest friend to my other friends, but I think in many ways she did, and that left her feeling inadequate, because of the ways that my other friends were able to show up for me, that she couldn’t. You see this friend has always been the type of friend that put her man before any and everything, and though I’m not like that I respected that decision, but because of this her man would take up so much emotional space in our relationship, that there would be little room for me or anything else. I believe her inability to balance the demands of her relationship with the demands of our friendship was what made us drift further and further apart emotionally.

I believe the shift happened after I got engaged and started planning my wedding. One of the most memorable parts of my proposal was that Jason made sure to include her. He knows how important this friend is to me, and he knew that including her would mean the world to me, he knew not to ask anyone else, but her, and to me that was so special. It made me so happy that two people that I cared about so much were able to be a part of one of the most important days of my life. My proposal truly was perfect.

It wasn’t long after I got engaged that my friend announced that she was pregnant. This was no surprise to me because her and her husband had been trying, and I knew this is something that she wanted so badly. I was happy for her, because she was going to get what she had always dreamed of, the chance to be a Mom, but I was also so deathly worried for my friend because her husband was emotionally absent, and I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to pick up his slack and be there for her in the ways that I wanted to be or had been able to in the past because I’d be so consumed with planning my wedding. I felt enormous guilt about this, and the stress consumed me, to the point that I couldn’t even be excited about getting married to the man of my dreams.

As soon as my friend announced that she was pregnant I made a point to be abundantly clear that she wasn’t coming to the wedding. I did that as a means to relieve her of feeling guilty for not being there, I also didn’t want her to feel any pressure, or try to over extend herself. To my surprise it did the opposite, and she felt dismissed and undervalued, and for that I couldn’t be more sorry. I just knew with her situation that she couldn’t possibly be there for me in the ways that I would need throughout this process, and I didn’t want her to jeopardize her health, or her child’s health trying to do so, to me that was the priority. I recognize now that I could have handled that differently.

What made me sad throughout the wedding process was that she seemed to be upset that there were people that were able to be there for me in ways that she was unable to, to the point where she seemed resentful. Perhaps she didn’t know where she fit in the equation, I was a very unconventional bride so I didn’t really need much help, but emotional support or at least inquiring about how she could be involved would have been appreciated. There’s no one I’d want more than her to be there with me throughout this process, but I had to push forward and not drown in my own sadness and self-pity, and I also wanted to make sure that I didn’t treat her any differently because she wasn’t able to be there for me in the ways that I needed. It was hard to balance it all.

It wasn’t until months later that she told me that dismissing her as soon as she got pregnant hurt her feelings. And that it came off like I didn’t care that she wasn’t there. I was glad that she was able to share that with me, and I let her know that couldn’t be further from the truth. I was beyond sad that my oldest friend couldn’t be present for the most important day of my life to date, and I am sad that I didn’t do a better job of expressing that. But I felt as though doing so wouldn’t be fair to her, I knew that she wanted to be there and me continuing to bring attention to the fact that she wasn’t going to be able to come to the wedding I felt would really hurt her feelings.

In hindsight what sticks out the most to me during the whole wedding fiasco was that she didn’t bother to take two minutes out of her day for me. Before my wedding Jason reached out to my closest friends and asked them to send me a video message for him to play for me on my wedding day. Every single one of my closest friends sent him a video, except her. When I was playing the video on the big day I could feel her absence. Every single one of those people on the video at the time were going through some tough stuff, but in spite of it all they took two minutes out of their day to send me a few kind words. I understood that she couldn’t be there physically for the big day, but the fact that she was unwilling to even do something as small as send that video to Jason for me, really broke my heart.

Fast forward to almost two years later and nothing had really changed. The whirlwind of a relationship with her husband had taken up most of our conversations, and our group chat banter was conversational and surface level at best. I was sad that our friendship hadn’t progressed throughout these years and began to think that we had simply just outgrown each other. I mean there were people that I had met two to three years ago that knew more about what was going on in my life than she did. And it wasn’t because they cared more, it was because they had the capacity and were willing to invest the time needed to foster our relationship. With everything that she was dealing with being a single Mom, her husband, and her family, she simply just didn’t have the bandwidth to be there for me in the ways that I needed.

I had been talking to my therapist about the state of the relationship with my friend in attempt to gain some clarity, but ultimately I knew that it had run its course. We lived minutes away from each other, worked in the same building, and yet were still so distant emotionally. I knew it was time to let go. There was some back and forth in the group chat about the state of our friendship, and some private messages as well. It wasn’t until she sent a message in which she accepted no accountability that let me know that it was time to exit stage left. She was content in playing the victim and we couldn’t grow if she wasn’t willing to accept the fact that the choices she made played a part in the current state of our friendship. I was just someone that was around to validate her, a glorified hype man, and though for a while that was enough for me, at this point in my life I am okay with saying relationships like that no longer serve me. Ultimately I left a message in our group chat telling her that I don’t think that our friendship is one that I want to invest in any longer. Not because she isn’t worth it, but because at this time I don’t believe that she can be the friend that I need, and I don’t believe that I can be the friend that she needs, and I don’t like the idea of doing things halfway. Because of this I said that we should go our separate ways. It wasn’t because the friends that I had developed recently were better than her, I never once said that. It was because they were willing to invest in our relationship, something that she had not done over the past two years, and that was something that I was no longer willing to ignore. I knew that this was something that she was capable of, as I had seen her bend and break over and over again in her romantic relationships, I just don’t believe she cared enough about our friendship to get uncomfortable enough to be there for me in the ways that I needed her to be, and I didn’t want to hold her to an impossible standard, or grow resentful because of her inability to be present. She had made her choice, and I had to accept it. That was hard. So hard. But so necessary.                           

I also was taken aback by my other friends reactions when I told them that I had cut ties with my oldest friend. Most of them were not shocked, and that was not the response that I expected. In fact, most of them didn’t have much of a reaction at all. The common theme from the close friends that I told (My brother, Richie, Ky, Brandon, and Yon) was that my friend without a doubt appreciated me, but she wasn’t willing or capable of showing me that or reciprocating.

My therapist said “She needs to understand that folks can acknowledge your profuse apology, accept your profuse apology, and still not want to be in your life anymore. Like thank you but also, I am not interested any longer. Her boundaries are  permeable so that is hard for her. She doesn’t do that so understanding that all of those things are possible is blowing her mind. Isn’t t fair for you to choose your man? Your friends? Your family? When she has done the same all these years? There really isn’t a difference here if we being honest. She is not owed your unwavering loyalty. It may not feel good, but people can get sick of you and give up on you. And that’s just how it is. You can run out of time. She might not be tired of her life choices and/or how they effect her and her child but you can be. You didn’t try to change her mind. You didn’t tell her not to go or not to go back. If this is something she wants and feels is best, you support her decisions. However, you don’t have to be a part of these decisions if they no longer make you feel comfortable. You chose for yourself the way she chose for herself.” She went on to list the things that I had done over the years and it brought me to tears. I have never been one to keep score, but to see her notice how I’ve extended myself and to not even get 1/4th of that effort back was a hard pill to swallow. Some things that stood out to me that my therapist said were…

“You let her and her newborn stay in your MARITAL HOME as a newlywed for weeks. This was early in your marriage, a time when you and your husband should be basking in the newness of your union. Instead you were willing to share your space and make that sacrifice to be there for a friend in need. You let her bring her disruptive energy and her dark cloud into your space.”

”You asked the group chat to write a review for your business to support you, that is free and takes no time and would have been a tremendous help. The only person I see that has done that is Joanne from NY, neither your friend or her sister could take the time to do something for a friend that is so small, that would have been so meaningful.”

“You took off work for a week to care for her child.”

“She made sure to get you something for your birthday (late), but anyone that knows you knows that you don’t value things, you value time, and her taking the time out to sit and talk with you would’ve meant more than any present ever could.”

“You rearranged your entire weekend two days before you were heading to Italy to make sure that her child was taken care of.”

“You spent practically the whole weekend in the hospital with her after she gave birth (and missed your favorite festival in the world Lollapalooza) because you didn’t want to leave her alone and her husband was nowhere to be found.”

These are things I didn’t even remember. My therapist said “I know you don't keep a log of what you do for your friends because it's pure but sometimes you need to be reminded,” and that really stuck with me. I hadn’t even realized how much I had inconvenienced myself, my husband, my family, and my other friends trying to be present for her. It hurt to look up and see that effort wasn’t matched.

A little over a month later and I am at peace with the decision. What I am most sad about is that I don’t truly feel the loss. I felt the absence on my wedding day, but today, I do not. I feel that we had been going through the motions for so long, and that she had been so absent during so many important aspects of my life these past few years that I don’t truly notice that we haven’t talked in weeks. Even when we did talk every day we were never really talking, more like filling time and space with words, there was no real connection. For me, that was the validation that assured me that I made the right choice. I hope she finds the validation she seeks, I am no longer on duty.

Will you ignant niggas pleaseeeee shut the hell up! (c) MLK by proxy of Boondocks

So this "black on black" crime nonsense simply has to stop. In response to the police killings of innocent black people I saw so many folks posting "What about black on black crime?" on fb that I made a blanket retort and spent so much time out of my day posting this on every status I saw that referenced "black on black crime," it was exhausting... Anywho, here it is for your enjoyment :)

The issues IN our community are tied to violence from OUTSIDE of our community. You want to talk about what the community needs to do without addressing HOW it got that way. Address how it GOT that way FIRST instead of running to absolve white supremacy from conditions that it created. Secondly, the community has ALWAYS talked about violence and addressing ways to mediate it.

Criminals commit crime. People in poverty commit crime. People in close proximity commit crime. There is nothing unique about intraracial Black violence. But to say we need to address that FIRST before holding what's accountable for how we even got there is COWARDICE. There is nothing pathological about being Black that causes crime. Stop being so fearful of standing up to White Supremacy that it's easier to cower back on Black people. Telling people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps when they ain't even got laces. We have been free in this country for 50 years. Just 50. That's barely older than most people you know. An entire 80% of this nation's entire existence has been under legalized, government sanctioned white supremacy. VIOLENCE. But now it's our fault that our communities struggle as if these people didn't continuously divest resources from and build highways through Black neighborhoods. If you wanna be on some save my people first sh*t, fine. Do it. But TALK about how your people got in the condition where they need saving to BEGIN WITH. Let's do a timeline since I don't have time but I got time.

Slavery started in 1619
Declaration of Independence 1776 (slavery still poppin)
Constitution 1789 (3/5ths outchea)
Civil War 1861
Slaves "freed" 1865
Reconstruction for 12 years followed by 100 YEARS OF JIM CROW
Civil Rights 1965

It's 2017. That's 52 years. 

I didn't even mention convict leasing which fueled this notion of inherent Black criminality. Those convicts mined In mines, made clothes, and dig ditches and roads. America NEVER let the negro free. War on Drugs in the 80s and 90s. When I see statements like this being made I can't help but think it is an attempt to curry White favor because you want to feel like one of the good and logical ones. Your respectability is not gonna help you. Acting like the projects weren't built to segregate Blacks then allowed to waste away. Acting like those corner boys had the resources to bring cocaine from South America or the guns. Acting like banks refused to loan in certain areas while home values grew to the hundred of thousands in others. Areas where Black families couldn't move or get loans even after serving. The wealth gap didn't magically appear. We didn't magically appear at the bottom through some natural instance. FOCUS ON ISSUES or learn something so you can. You're embarrassing yourself. And by focus on the issue for those who aren't aware: The problem ain't never been being Black, the problem is accepting a system that makes you believe you must be flawless and a bunch of strangers you don't even know need to be flawless just to get to base 1 for humanity. Allowing yourself to start in the negative instead of standing up like a man and saying treat me human because I am. Ain't no stipulations or hoops on that. Funny how people who would NEVER LET ANOTHER person treat them like less than a man are quick to suggest they must meet some arbitrary standards of white supremacy before feeling worthy of respect and common decency extended to your non Black peers. Only folks like you believe that you gotta do something first just to get respect for your existence. Internalized anti-Black bias has lots of faces. 😉

Is there one? (c) The Usher at church asking visitors when the doors of the church open

First I’d like to give honor to the Most High (Snoop Dogg), the members of the pulpit, the pastor, his wife, his mistress, the mother of the church, and all the saints and sinners in the audience. I am here today to ask for your prayers.

I am about to endure one of the bravest tests of character and faith a person can endure. I feel like Daniel headed into the lion’s den. I feel like David preparing to fight Goliath. I feel like Job getting ready to ... well, Job kinda got effed over because he got caught in the middle of a bet, but you know what I mean.

I’m boycotting the NFL this season, even though I know it probably won’t work.

It seems antithetical to a profit-making venture, but it is true. The NFL has created a business model where its profits are not dependent on how many people consume the product. Even if people stop watching, the NFL makes the same amount of money. Here’s how it works.

The vast majority of NFL revenue comes from television rights, which are paid in advance. In 2014, CBS, NBC and Fox agreed to pay $3.5 billion every year for the rights to air NFL games on network television through 2023. DirecTV will kick in an additional $1.5 billion per year until 2022. Disney pays $2 billion per year to air games on ESPN and ABC. Amazon.com threw in $50 million to air games, along with foreign rights holders, who pay $500 million. The NFL network also makes around $1.2 billion from various affiliates.

That means the league will still make close to $9 billion from television rights this year, even if not a single soul tunes in to a football game. The NFL won’t even have to look at these deals until years from now. The checks are already cut. That’s a lot of tithes and offerings, church.

The rest of the NFL’s revenue comes from licensing, merchandising and sponsorships. Like the television deals, these contracts are made far in advance and are not dependent on ratings or ticket sales. In fact, every owner in the NFL knows they will make a profit regardless of how many tickets they sell. The only other venture that makes money without having to deliver results is ... well ... this one. The church.

I know... I know.... Television networks don’t even care about the ratings. The NFL brand is so powerful that the television networks don’t even care about the ratings. Last year the league’s ratings fell 8 percent, but advertising revenue increased! That’s because with a limited number of available ad slots, networks force companies to outbid one another for commercials. It’s kinda like when the church isn’t full, so the deacons ask you to dig deep into your pockets for the building fund. It’s the oldest trick in the book.

I’m sure some of you out there in the pews are thinking, “So if a boycott won’t have an economic impact on the NFL, the owners or the networks, then why do it?”

Well, saints, there is a verse in the book of 4 Thessalonians that reads, “And lo, He said unto them: Sometimes a nigga hath to do what a nigga gotta doeth.” (That’s not the King James Version.)

This is the point of protest. When Colin Kaepernick refused to stand for the national anthem, I’m sure he didn’t think police would see it and say, “You know what? I was going to shoot a black boy in the face tomorrow, but I changed my mind.” I’m sure that when Muhammad Ali refused to join the Army, he didn’t believe that the U.S. military would say, “Well, if Ali ain’t coming, maybe we should wrap this thing up.” In fact, Kaepernick’s protest didn’t have a single quantifiable impact on black lives.

But he started something.

Last season, on the biggest stage in all of sports, he forced commentators of every color to talk about inequality. They discussed it on every pregame show. Announcers debated it during the week on sports radio across the country. He opened the door for players in other sports to talk about it. High school football players imitated it. White soccer players did it.

Even though he doesn’t have a job in the NFL this year, they are still discussing him. Players who would never have taken such a bold stance are beginning to do it in his absence. Isn’t that what protest is about?

Most importantly, church, I’m doing this out of solidarity. There were people who participated in the Montgomery Bus Boycott who had never taken public transportation. They shuttled neighbors to work. They carried signs. They loved their neighbors as themselves. (I think I just made that up. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?)

Sometimes the reason our voices are ignored is that they can always find another Negro to point at who is cool with riding in the back of the bus. I don’t think those people are sellouts. Maybe it’s more comfortable on the back of the bus than walking 5 miles to work. It’s a long walk. Maybe his or her feet hurt. Maybe he or she is tired.

Aren’t we all tired?

Turn to your neighbor and say, “I ain’t tired yet.”

That’s why I’m not watching NFL football this year. It’s going to hurt me, but one of our problems is that we think resistance should be easy. We think progress can be achieved through social media memes instead of tired feet and sweaty necks. We think change is supposed to come without bruised knuckles and bloody skulls. It doesn’t work that way.

I am not under the illusion that if every black person stops watching the NFL, Colin Kaepernick will get a job. I don’t even think the owners, the commissioner or the networks care whether black people watch or not. It will not affect their bottom line at all. There probably aren’t enough people willing to do this to have any measurable impact on the most powerful sport in the world.

But once, while sitting in these same pews, I heard a story about a little boy named David who managed to kill a giant by himself. I bet after he killed that giant and everyone was giving him high-fives and buying him shots of Hennessy, someone asked him how he knew he would kill Goliath. Was it because he heard a loud booming voice? Was it because David prayed more than the rest of them? Did he know he’d win because his faith was stronger than everyone else’s? I always imagine David turned to that person, put down his Henny and said:

“Win? I had no idea whether I’d win or not. I just knew I had to fight.”

May Dogg bless you all.

Word to Michael H.

The more you try to erase me/The more, the more/The more that I appear. (c) Thom Yorke

So I LOVE Ghost in the Shell. It is truly the manga I use to turn people onto manga, and needless to say I was beyond disgusted in the blatant whitewashing of the main character with the casting of Scarlett Johansson. Leave it to twitter to GO IN using the meme generator on the film's website... 

THIS IS SIMPLY EVERYTHING

Not seeing it. So mad. I was really looking forward to it once it got announced that a film was being made. Should've known better. 

I even made one... Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone. NEVER. FORGET.