I look forward to this meme EVERY. YEAR. Hahahaha
Read MoreI. Look. Forward. To. This. Meme. EVERY. YEAR. Hahaha
#skiptothelouandsayido
I've always been a little off; unconventional, odd, weird...difficult. Which as a result made me kind of a loner. I really don't like sharing my space or energy with people that I felt weren't on the same wavelength, I'd much rather be alone than do that. I never wanted to compromise my solitude for just any ole body... And then I met LaFlore...
Jason and I just work. We are alike in the ways that matters most to us, and different in the ways that allow us to grow and learn from each other. We instantly bonded over our love of shoes, and I immediately fell in love with how his brain worked, he had such an interesting way of looking at things and was never afraid to be who he was wherever he was. JUST LIKE ME!
I was never the child that dreamed of their fairy-tale wedding. I had told my bestie a list of things I thought I wanted back in high school, but that was moreso out of the pressure to feel like I was a "normal girl" and had it all figured out like all the other girls around me had, in reality I had no clue, and never really gave my wedding any serious thought. Until I got engaged, then it got REAL.
I had decided years ago that I didn't want a wedding, if you follow this blog you know this, and you know why so I won't bore you with the details. If you're new to this, just check out my previous posts. I expressed this to Jason and I know he thought I was just being cynical and jaded and that once the time came I would instantly change my tune. To his dismay, that did NOT happen. Lol. Hence our first REAL compromise...
I told him well if we are going to do this I want the wedding to reflect us in EVERY capacity. I want everything we do and decide on to be intentional, no going through the motions or incorporating traditions just for the sake of doing so. I wanted EVERYTHING to be meaningful. This was important to me because I have been in SEVERAL weddings and I didn't really see or feel many differentiations amongst them. In fact, I've only been to two weddings in my life that I felt like I truly "saw" the couple; their personality, their love, their spirit. And THAT is what I wanted. I wanted folks to be like "Oh that's Mia" when they saw something that reminded them of me or "Oh Jason totally decided that." Those were the things that were most important to me. If people were there to celebrate us, I wanted them to truly SEE us in the celebration. I hated that weddings had become so routine... And when I actually took the time to look into WHY certain traditions surrounding weddings were in place I immediately thought NOAP, me no want. I told LaFlore from jump if you INSIST on us having this wedding, there are definitely going to be some things that might make folks uncomfortable, but we are gonna do it our way.
8.26.17
You remember earlier when I told you I was kind of odd right? Well, this odd ball decided it would be best to start her actual wedding day off in a totally different state. Yup, you guessed it. I didn't leave Chicago for my 6pm wedding in St. Louis until 11am the morning of the wedding.
I promise you it was for a good reason. Over the years I had developed a huge bond with a MUA that I happened to stumble across randomly. She came into my life when I wasn't in the best space, she was there from the beginning and witnessed first hand how Jason and I's relationship evolved. She unfortunately couldn't come to STL for many reasons but I wouldn't have ANYONE else do my face, for someone as introverted as me feeling like my best self was so important on a day where EVERYONE is looking at you. The anxiety of not having someone that I felt comfortable with consumed me. I knew Jody knew my face, and me and I wouldn't leave her chair looking like a different person. I wanted to look and feel like me... Just a more awesome and refined version. So I stayed behind and had her make me over that morning at 8am, only to fly to St. Louis with my wedding face on for my 6pm wedding. Jason and his Mom were VERY stressed about this... They are the worrier's. My Mom had 32 years of experience with my shenanigans so her response was "This is just how Mia rolls, she will be here with bells on but she is going to stress you out in the process." Things always work out. I arrived to StL early and my face did not move the entire night hunty... and I was SWEATING.
As far as what to expect in terms of the day.... We are both very much unapologetically black. I knew that I wanted the wedding to reflect this. Starting with the vendors. I also knew from jump that I wanted my hair to be in it's natural state, I wanted Tacarra (Spifster) to slay my nails and I wanted my dress to be simple and modern. I in fact didn't go to one bridal store. I ordered my dress online without ever trying it on. I know right? I swear I was pretty much the most low maintenance bride ever. I opted to have my bouquet to include roses made out of comic book pages. In particular the Black Panther and Storm wedding story line. I wanted to incorporate comics because they're something that are important to me, and also something that brought Jason and I closer together.
OMG THERE'S A FIREEEE....sale. (c) Tobias
Yup, you read that right. We got a call at around 2pm that our venue had indeed caught on fire on the third floor. The wedding was at 6pm so I wasn't the least bit concerned, I just figured it would make for a great story... and indeed it did! The fire was contained and we were ready to roll at 6pm on the dot.
City Museum in St. Louis, Missouri was where we decided to make it official. This is one of my favorite places in St. Louis, prior to us checking out the venue Jason had never been. I just loved the whole concept behind how it came to fruition. It is a play house of sorts, for children and adults alike. It is the exact antithesis to a commercialized theme park. They created a space where everything is functional and almost every aspect of the museum is made out of repurposed materials; the true example of one man's trash is another man's treasure. I love the idea that something so wonderful was created out of what some people might see as garbage.
The ceremony was short and sweet. No bridal party... Just us. Our mutual friend Rob agreed to be our officiant and we wanted the mood to be more light hearted and fun, a true reflection of our love and dynamic; and not a complete sob fest. To set the tone for what the ceremony would be like Jason chose to walk down the aisle to Mystical - Here I Go and my little brother served as our "flower man."
Tears were shed.
I chose the song Willie Hutch - I Choose You to walk down the aisle to. I opted to walk down the aisle alone. Not because I don't have an amazing dad that I adore, admire and love very much but mostly because the idea of being seen as property being given away didn't sit well with me. I chose to honor my relationship with both of my parents in a different way and not adhere to what I considered an outdated tradition.
I decided on a black veil because I hate the stigma surrounding the color black being seen as bad and evil, and white being seen as pure and clean. I wanted to show people that wearing black doesn't have to be viewed as an omen; black is elegant, black is beautiful.
We sealed our vows with a handshake.
For our Recessional we decided to walk out as Mr. & Mrs. to UGK - Int'l Players Anthem (I Choose You)
It's what we've all been waiting forrrrr. THE TURN UP! The reception is pretty much what Jason and I cared most about. We opted to go with a "BLACK AS F*CK" and "STL" theme all the way through... From the black art on the wall during the ceremony, to the music and the menu. Our culture and hometown were very much represented. For cocktail hour we offered two STL staples; Imo's pizza and toasted ravioli.
We had a board game that Jason designed for guests to partake in while we took pictures around the museum.
I danced to Anderson Paak - Room In Here with my new husband as our first dance. My dad and I enjoyed a moment to Prince - The Most Beautiful Girl in the World and my Mom and I turned up to a melody of Stevie Wonder - Isn't She Lovely and Juvenile - She Get It From Her Mama.
At the end of the dance with my Mom my brother got on the mic and told everyone to wrap their arm's around each other's shoulders. Everyone got up and complied for what they later told me they thought was about to be a prayer.... AND THEN swag surfin starts playing.... The brother/sister dance was life changing.
After that it was time to eatttt. We had an STL inspired dinner and none of the items truly went together but bah well. We served, BBQ ribs, fried catfish w/pickles and onions, special fried and plain fried rice, mac and cheese from Sweetie Pie's and Imo's salad w/provel cheese. Guaranteed itis.
After everyone is good and full and sufficiently drunk it was time to get REALLY greek up in here. Jason is a member of Kappa Alpha Psi and decided to honor their traditions at our wedding.
AND NOW FOR THE TURN UPPPPPPP. This is when things got real. So much fun. Word to DJ Sir Thurl.
Neither of us were big on wedding cake so we stuck with the STL theme and had a dessert table filled with Gooey Butter Cake and Dad's cookies.
Our take away gifts were Red Hot Riplets yet another StL fave!
Check out the day through Juniper's lens below. Just breathtaking.
**all photos in this post were provided by the awesome woman known as Bri** Check out the post she did on the wedding HERE
**all video in this post was provided by the awesomeness known as Juniper**
**Special shoutout to Konquered Balance for helping me get my bawdyyyyy right. Hit him up HERE**
**we are still accepting wedding gifts. Bless us HERE**
Now I'm willing to accept this fate You and me just can't cohabitate (c) The Kinks
So you get married.... and you move in together. I've found that in my experience that men and women tend to look at this transition differently, PARTICULARLY if you didn't live together prior to marriage and you decide to practice "stereotypical" gender roles in your marriage.
Perspective #1
Spouse #1 - I don't get it. They're getting full course meals frequently, the home is clean, I'm adding value to their life
Spouse #2 - That's cool and all but I still have to share my space
Perspective #2
Spouse #1 - This is a whole lot more work than living alone
Spouse #2 - There are SO MANY benefits to being married
These are the two most common perspectives I've seen after talking to newly married couples that opt for stereotypical gender role format.
I've found that in perspective one the disconnect is that the spouse that doesn't get it is learning what their partner values, and that is their space. You can cook and clean all day but that is how you chose to come into the role of husband/wife, and that might not necessarily be what your spouse appreciates or values. Talk to them and find a balance. I think people get very caught up in what the perception of marriage should be like instead of finding a routine that works for them specifically. Don't go into it with preconceived notions. Find a routine that works for both of you.
In perspective two this is most commonly the case when one spouse carries the brunt of the work in the household. Things become imbalanced. Naturally a bulk of keeping things in order does fall tend to fall on one person **cough cough most times the woman cough cough**, but I encourage the spouse doing said work to make sure the spouse not pulling their weight attempts to develop some particular sets of skills. Things won't always be equal, but I like the idea of both parties actively contributing to the betterment of the household, I think it will make things much easier long-term even moreso if you decide to add kids into the mix
Since LaFlore and I are new to this we haven't ironed out the full logistics to how we operate as a unit yet. However, we did iron out one thing....
Cooking.
I cook, I enjoy it. Four dinners a week is all you get from me (technically 8 total because I always make enough for both of us to bring to lunch the next day)
When I cook, Jason cleans the kitchen, or at least that's the goal
I pretty much ALWAYS forget to take pics of my meals but here are some I actually remembered to photograph! :)
The transition from living as individuals to cohabitation is a big one. We still have so much to figure out:
Groceries
Cleaning
Laundry
Bill splitage
Bank accounts
Name Change... to name a few
I plan on tackling each of these topics in detail as we embark upon this journey of two becoming one. Not gonna lie, having one thing marked off the list does offer a sense of relief. This transition doesn't happen overnight that's for sure.
New fan who dis? (c) Mia + Jason
After a long deliberation Jason and I decided that we will be a Cardinals AND White Sox family after last night. GO CARDS! GO SOX!
Do you know what today is? (c) Tony! Toni! Toné!
.... it's our ONE MONTH Anniversary :)
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown. (c) Frou Frou
Wedding planning was truly trying... I can't tell you how many times I broke down throughout the process... BUT LOOK WHAT WE GOT AS A RESULT... THIS AMAZING WEDDING HIGHLIGHT FILM thanks to Mike and Emily over at Films By Juniper! So many great moments captured... Man, I need MOARRRRR footage.
SEVEN WHOLE DAYS (c) Toni Braxton
7 days away... I can honestly say I'm not the least bit anxious or nervous. I'm excited to be married and have my life back. These WHOLE past 14 months have been dedicated to planning this wedding. So many of the things that calm me down and bring me peace have been sacrificed... But all the other women that I know that were not into having weddings that had them have said in the end it was all worth it, so I'm so ready to have that feeling because I cry every other day at least and am inundated with stress. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my Mom, Ky and the Girl Talk gang... I feel like this whole year I've been an emotional crabby mess, but planning a party for 200 people is A LOT.
Things I did that I feel made things so much easier:
1. If you want things done your way, pay for it yourself.
Money almost always equals some sort of stipulation or some kinds of strings attached. Unless you make it abundantly clear that you are to do with the gifted money as you see fit, just avoid it and skip taking the duckets all together.
2. Don't have a bridal party.
The people that want to help...will, no title needed. Plus, be a good friend, save your peeps HUNDRED'S of dollars for make up they won't like, a dress and shoes they won't wear again, and a hairstyle that isn't flattering to their face.
3. Do what you want.
Often times too many people are focused on what others think. Stay true to you or you will regret it. Do what feels genuine to you and your future husband and don't focus on what others may think
4. Don't get caught up in the tiny details.
Folks almost always remember the food, the music and how they felt. So don't beat yourself over the small things.
5. You need a coordinator... a GOOD one.
The point person of the day is an important choice. They put out all fires and handle things on your behalf so it should without a doubt be someone that knows you and the groom's vision and someone you trust will get the job done. So much is contingent upon the coordinator's ability to keep things going. Don't go with your heart when you make this choice. Be logical.
6. Have a wedding script.
I am a planner. I've been to weddings that didn't have one and I could tell. I mapped out the wedding from start to finish; readings, song selection, reception EVERYTHING. This makes things run so smoothly, your coordinator and vendors will absolutely LOVE you for it. Check out mine here.
That being said on MY end I think everything is complete. I still have some lbs to lose but I've gotten all my gifts and my "look" is complete. My friends are really excited so that truly is the wind beneath my sails that keeps me pushing on, cause lordt I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to give up. THE END IS NEAR AND I CANNOT WAIT TO CELEBRATE WITH FRIENDS AND FAM! :)
You Will Never Be Satisfied. (c) Angelica Schuyler
Tis how I feel about this whole wedding weight loss journey. I'd like to thank this dirty mirror, this bonnet, 21 Savage and the Hamilton soundtrack for allowing me to push through these workouts. 15 more lbs to goooooooo!
ALLLL BYYY MYYYYYSELLLLFFFFFF (c) Celine Dion
Sooooo, I planned a surprise bachelor party for Jason the weekend of July 21st. He has made A MILLION hints about wanting a surprise something of some sort. His co-worker had a surprise b-day party thrown by his wife and he KEPT bringing up how thoughtful it was.... I was like I get it, I get it lol. So.... I made it happen. It definitely was a labor of love. Anyone that has tried to organize an outing for a group of men knows my struggle. I started the planning process in March, so by the time July rolled around I was exhausted.
Since we opted not to have a bridal party I figured the "traditional" events surrounding getting married would be up in the air... I KNEW Jason wanted a bachelor party. I also knew he wouldn't plan one himself, or reach out to anyone about helping it or doing it for him. I figured not having one would definitely be something that he'd regret so I reached out to his friend Matt to help me. Matt went above and beyond and I am STILL trying to figure out a way that I can show my gratitude.
So let me breakdown the plan....
...As you all know if you've been following this blog the plan for me was to always head to NOLA for my bachelorette weekend. Welp, funds were low and debts were high and I realized that I couldn't fund a bachelor party for Jason, get to NOLA AND save for a wedding with a 200 person guest list so I fell on the sword and opted to turn my bachelorette party dreams into a solo dolo thing. I am a music festival enthusiast and the line up to FYF Fest was life changing. I NEEDED that in my life. I had already grown a bitter taste in my mouth about all the things I'd missed out on thus far for the sake of this wedding, I couldn't let this be yet another thing I wanted to do that couldn't. SOOOOOOOO I got the tickets, and because FYF holds down folks they even had a payment plan option. SCHWEET. So the plan was that I would be in LA for FYF Fest while Jason participates in all of the debauchery. SCORE!
He had friends flying in from all over so the plan was to get him to the AirBNB, so when he walked up all of the fellas would be there and surprise him... Getting him there was a chore because Jason works a lot or is always making plans at the last minute. I told him that there was a secret exhibit going on that I heard was cool and asked if he could meet me there for an hour or so for our date night.... he agreed and I gave him the address to the AirBNB. I didn't give many more details and surprisingly he didn't ask for more info which is very unlike him because he is known to annoy me by asking a million questions about everything. He had TWO other things planned that evening. A work BBQ and then going to the movies, but my biggest task was to get him to the AirBNB. Throughout all of this I was on the plane flying to LA, so thank the lordt for Wi-Fi because I was able to reach out to Matt and Jason and didn't have a four hour gap of time where I was not responsive. After Jason pushing me further and further back he FINALLY arrived at the AirBNB almost two hours later than I had requested he get there. Lordt, if EYE was actually waiting we all know I wouldn't have been happy....and his friends were getting bummed because they were all so anxious to surprise him. But when he got there Matt told me he went crazy and was legit surprised.... And that was honestly all that I needed :).
My weekend....
My phone died so I didn't even get to capture Solange, A Tribe Called Quest, Erykah Badu, Run the Jewels, Hannibal Buress, Bjork and so many more.... But man. This festival was EVERYTHING... and I got to check two things off my bucket list... I stayed in a hostel AND I surfed for the first time. All in all this solo trip was much needed for my mental health and I was so happy I did it! :)
29 Likes, 5 Comments - Meezy (@hurtmeezysoul) on Instagram: "Two years ago I came to this festival with @noalias16 and was pumped to see Frank. Back then he was..."
33 Likes, 3 Comments - Meezy (@hurtmeezysoul) on Instagram: "Girlfriend want to be like me, never/ You won't find a b*tch that's even better. #MissyElliott..."
38 Likes, 3 Comments - Meezy (@hurtmeezysoul) on Instagram: "😍 Anderson .Paak live. I swear every time is like the first time... #FYFFest #LosAngeles..."
Every time I come around yo city bling bling (c) Lil Wayne
Sooooo, those that know me know that I'm not big on jewelry... So when it came to picking out an engagement ring I knew I wanted to go with something simple and classic. I also know my fiance' and although I would've LOVED it if he were to spend next to nothing on a ring not only because jewelry doesn't move me, but because the rings I like genuinely aren't that expensive, I knew that he wasn't about that life.
He did a PHENOMENAL job, I know it was important for him to give me something that I like, that also proclaimed that he was willing to make a sacrifice and save up to get me something really nice and something I should be proud of. He knew how important it was to me to NOT get an overpriced blood diamond from a jewelry store chain and went with a local jeweler instead. Although I wanted to shy away from a diamond as a stone because of the commercialization of them, I must admit that I do enjoy the sparkle.
Here comes the wedding BAND part... I don't want one. I feel like my ring is PERFECT as is. Simple, classic, and me. I don't want to add anything to it. However, I'm trying to figure out how that translates when having a wedding. I've seen some people that just remove the "ring" aspect of the ceremony all together. I am not opposed to this as I don't believe our commitment can be tied to something as insignificant as a piece of metal on our fingers. I do enjoy the symbolism of it. I also know that Jason has always said that when he gets married that he wants to wear a ring... and even though I've only been engaged for a little less than five months I do take pride in knowing people can look down at my hand and see that someone has committed to spending their life with me. So I knew in no way was I going to go "FULL MIA" and say nawl, we not doing the ring thing.
I think we've reached yet another compromise. I read that people wear wedding bands in place of their diamond engagement ring when they want to be more modest; for example when they go on vacation, etc. they opt for the band which is less flashy and understated. I decided that since I didn't want a wedding band, that my "cheap" ring of choice could serve as the modest wedding band that I don't want.
Jason doesn't like the idea of "switching out" your ring to match your mood and outfit and I get that. I don't think that's necessary either. But I DO like the idea of having a ring that's more practical in price for when we vacation... Don't get me wrong I don't think someone is going to "Kim K." me, but I lose things a LOT and wearing my engagement ring while in Greece gave me sooooo much anxiety, I don't like putting that type of pressure on myself.
What I'm trying to convey is that all of this stuff, though rooted in some sort of tradition can be altered to fit who you are as a couple. I LOVE my engagement ring, my "alternate ring" does not in any way signify that my engagement ring isn't good enough. I just don't like always having to wear something that's thousands of dollars on my finger in spaces that I might feel would put me in comprising positions, and as a woman that's something I have to think about. A huge majority of my life is thinking about how to feel safe. I believe that having this alternate ring would help with that.
Ours Ours Ours OURSSSSSS (c) Martin
When ya fiance' decides wedding websites are so 2016.... Every single thing having to do with this was all him. The only thing I came up with is the account name...Check it outttttt :) www.instagram.com/skiptothelouandsayido
Oh, make me over/I'm all I want to be. (c) Hole
Asked for my make-up artist's hand in marriage lol. Jody so effortlessly turns my face into a masterpiece. I couldn't imagine being the center of attention without her. SHE.SAID.YES.
If you ever want your life changed check her out at the MAC Store on Michigan Avenue. She is so talented it's sickening.
It's All About Me, Me, Me, Me, Me (c) Mya
The title of this blog is something that I have had to emphasize so many times to Jason… I do not want this wedding to be all about me. I assume that my fiance’ thought I was being dramatical or even jaded when he would hear he vehemently express pre-engagement that I was not interested in a wedding. Only for him to find out that wasn’t the case at all. These feelings of not wanting a wedding were not ones seeded in being jaded at all. They were genuine. Why? Because I. Do. Not. Like. Attention.
Today I had to make a point to drag this point home. We are working on our wedding website and I commented on the fact that a majority of the photos on the site were of me, and he responded “cuz you're the star and you're beautiful!” which would make someone that WANTS to be the star elated. EYE on the other hand do not want this. Though I did swoon at my fiance’ calling me beautiful (that never gets old) that whole “star” portion of the statement had me with the -____- face.
I was very direct in telling him “I. DON'T. WANT. TO. BE. THE. STAR. I do not know how I can express this any clearer.” I don’t want the spectacle period. I want to turn up with my loved ones and marry the love of my life. The last thing I want is this whole grandiose event with ME as the focal point. I signed up to go through with this wedding thing under the stipulation that I wanted it to be about BOTH of us (if I had my way it would be lean more towards being about him). I don’t know if he understands my thought process, I think because he is an extrovert that enjoys the spotlight, he thinks that I’m being modest or coy and deep down I really want to be the focal point of the whole ordeal…. NOAP.
I truly hope that I was able to convey this in a way that he could receive. Weddings are so bride heavy… And let’s be honest, I am NOT a traditional bride. My fiance’ is the “bride,” he knows it and I know it. I just wish he would embrace it instead of trying to project his desires onto me. It actually would make me that much happier if HE got the shine, it is more in line with who he is. I want our wedding to reflect who we are as people and our relationship. Loads of pics of ME plastered all over the website is not an accurate reflection of how we function as a couple, it’s definitely not an accurate reflection of how I function period, and above all things I want things to be as genuine as possible. I mean he gave me the nickname Wilson from Home Improvement for a reason. I stay trying to be low key. He’s the shiner. It’s one of the many things that I love about him. I let him be him, he lets me be me. I wish he would embrace it. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND. I’m finna just chill in the cut like the G that I am.
Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course (c) cake
I know you’ve heard time and time again about the idea that men set the pace when it comes to relationships, and don’t get me wrong that is something that I have always agreed on. However, I didn’t really realize how much that would affect me personally until I got engaged. Let me elaborate….
So I went into getting my apartment in downtown Chicago in 2015 with the mindset that it would be my ode to bachelorette living. It was filled with amenities, it was safe, and it was totally impractical size wise to accommodate anyone outside of myself… It was the first time in years that I made a decision based on what EYE wanted and not on how said decisions may affect others. That being said, it holds a special place in my heart because of that.
After Jason proposed things became a whirlwind. After getting engaged in June 2016 we discussed that since his lease would be up the end of February 2017 it would make sense for him to move in so that we could save for the wedding. FINE. WITH. ME.
Fast forward to him coming back to Chicago (he had been in Atlanta for work for five months) in November of 2016 and I noticed that he kept leaving more and more things at my apartment. Finally he got fed up and was like “Can you make some room for me please?” It was at that moment that it dawned on me… He was moving in NOW, not when his lease was up, and I was not ready.
Don’t get me wrong I am beyond excited to get started on this journey called life together, but what Jason didn’t get is that he had so much more time to digest everything than I had. He had been planning the proposal for months, he had been setting the pace in which we progressed in our relationship since its inception. From the minute after he proposed I was playing catch up, and it was overwhelming.
Because Jason was the pace setter in our relationship he was more equipped to handle the changes, he had been mentally preparing to make this step for a while and was ready. While I have known for quite a while that Jason is who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I wasn’t sure WHEN it would happen, so I wasn’t able to emotionally prepare for the changes that would come with that decision in the way that he was able to.
Based on the discussions we had after Jason popped the question I calculated that I would have until February to “get on board” and turn my “bachlerotte living” mind frame into a mind frame of “we, us, and our.” I know the thought of this seems silly, because Jason and I have been dating for years. However, for me the concept of us really doing this FOR REALS and FOREVER came for me the minute after he asked for my hand in marriage. Up until that point we were kind of just on a trial basis. Lol. When he abruptly moved in in November I was taken aback. I didn’t have the time that I anticipated that I would have to process what my life would potentially look like as a soon to be ex single person. I felt overwhelmed and ill prepared.
This is something that I have had to work through over the past few months… And while living with Jason has been so much more than I had hoped for, it is so much fun to come home to and wake up to your favorite person day in and day out… It has been an adjustment catching up to where he is mentally, because of his head start.
I think this is something that we will both have to adjust to… on this road to holy matrimony. I’m so pumped for the road ahead, in the meantime I am making an effort every day to bridge the gap between Jason and I on the way there.
My Name Is My Name (c) Pusha T
So a lot of people have asked me if I'm changing my name, hyphenating, etc. Those that know me ask because I do identify as a feminist... Despite feminism being seen as something only applicable to white women lol... But we can discuss that another day. Anywho, I am changing my name. I thought long about it and I decided to for many reasons. I'll try to expound on each of those
- My name is not a distinct part of my identity
I really don't have a deep connection to my last name. It's my father's with whom I have no relationship. My mother is remarried and I actually have no connection with anyone aside from my brother that shares my last name. Aside from me liking what it sounds like I have very little emotional connection to my name, so for me it became a personal question and decision. Why hold onto it? I've seen a lot of people discuss their decision to retain their last name as a feminist notion of not being considered property, and maintaining their sense of identity within their marriage. But for me, I have no sense of identity tied to my name, so there's no particular reason for me to want to hold onto it.
- My fiance' is the shit
My fiance' is very progressive. I definitely couldn't marry someone that isn't. He is very good at listening and learning when I tell him about my experiences in the world as a woman, and for that I am grateful. Because I am known to be a very strong willed, feminist black woman his friends have asked him if I'm keeping my name. He asked me, and we had a discussion about it. It was through that discussion that gave me a clear understanding of what I wanted to do. I knew he wouldn't care either way. He wouldn't feel like me keeping my last name would make me any less his wife, just as me taking his last name wouldn't make me any more his wife, or the union any more sacred. When I realized that it was a choice that I was entitled to make, a decision that we could come to as a unit. That is what prompted me to give it more thought. To him he didn't see me changing my name as an integral part of getting married, he was most focused on what it truly means to share are lives together, and it was comforting to know that we were on the same page in that regard. It was my choice. Which to me, is what made it inherently feminist.
- Starting anew
To me changing my last name was something I wanted to do because I am so staunchly individualistic. I knew that doing so for me would bring a sense of unity, cohesion and amalgamation. We are going to be sharing our lives together; finances, home, children, bed (this is a big deal for me because I love spreading out), etc. Why not share a name? So to me, it wasn't the dilemma of changing my name that was the road block... It was picking what name it would be.
I didn't necessarily want him to take mine, because like I said, the attachment and identity associated with my last name for me wasn't meaningful... and although my fiance' doesn't have a close relationship with his father and those that bear his last name as well, I liked the idea of both of us not starting from scratch and "creating" a last name, but rather building on what we were given, and changing the narrative of what the name means to us, as well as what it will mean to our children, their children, etc. Which is what brought me to taking his name. I wanted our kids to have the same last name as us, I also wanted to rid myself of the negative feelings I associated with carrying a last name that I have no emotional connection to; no sense of family or legacy. I liked the idea of us taking something that also didn't have those connections (his last name) and creating something together that will reflect a sense of pride for our offspring to be a part of. Our hopes is that starting with us, our name will create and establish an identity that will be a unique bond that has more to do with than just sharing a last name.
The fact of the matter is, when you do get married your identity as a single person is no more. I believe that if done for the right reasons, changing your name can be a celebration of that romance and matrimony. That is what I wanted. I've never been the type of person that does things because they are "supposed" to. I believe that you should have strong convictions for why you do what you do....and I had to come to decision that I was happy with. To me that is what made this I just so happened to want to delineate my new identity with a new name, for personal reasons... but for those that don't I believe they are equally justified in doing so. Though my name has never been a distinct part of my identity my marriage will be. I like the idea of having one name that define's our unit... a lifelong connection where the goal of each individual is to make each another stronger and better and happier. That's dope denamug.
PS. We decided no Jr.'s, II's, etc. doe. We found that to be supremely ego driven.... (Another reason my fiance' is dope, I didn't even have to fight him on this lol. His ego ain't built that way).
THAT is where we draw the line on this whole identity thing lol.
We want our kids to establish their own identity name wise separate from us. Make (insert potential LaFlore baby name here) great again. Haha.
Don't this sh*t make a nigga wanna... JUMP, JUMP (c) Busta Rhymes
Sooooo... since getting engaged a few months have passed and the typical question I receive is "How is wedding planning going?" The individual normally looks at me with the Alice face and waits for me to swoon about how perfect and amazing the whole experience is. NOAP. BEFORE I read the article on Buzzfeed that detailed how I SHOULD respond to such inquires, most times my reaction was a long growl... Which is off-putting I'm sure...
Most people asking are polite associates, that don't know me, and therefore don't really understand my response. I am not in the least bit not excited about marrying the love of my life. He's my homie.lover.friend., there's no one more perfect for me, and things with us are just so fun, and easy. He's my lobster (c) Phoebe. The reaction of course, is in response to this whole spectacle that is wedding planning.
I've had conversations with my fiance' because I didn't want him to feel a way because I'm not as "excited" as he might feel I should be. I had to be clear by saying, "I'm beyond ecstatic to be committing to spend the rest of my life with you. It's the spectacle that doesn't move me." Lol. I know he wants to make the day special for me, and for it to be the most amazing day of my life, and I wanted to be extremely transparent with him by stating that I have no doubt in my mind that I will THOROUGHLY enjoy my wedding; we both are putting a lot of effort into making it reflective of each of our personalities, quirks and all... He gets his spectacle, I get my turn up with friends and fam... BUT, I KNOW that the most amazing day of my life up until that point will most likely be the day after... When it's just he and I, laying up, doing not nothing.
This is one of the first big compromises of our relationship and one of my fiance's and I's distinct differences. I LOVE one on one time. The idea of eloping was always my ideal situation because it's so personal, and intimate. Though I love my friends and family to me there is nothing intimate about sharing this very personal experience with hundreds of people. I've always wanted a small, intimate, elopement/ceremony and an allllllll out TURN UP reception... Then we dip out and travel the world for the month. It is my happy ending.
My fiance' on the other hand is definitely a people person. He prefers group gatherings and sharing time with me and his friends. So a wedding, naturally is his happy ending. I know he feels guilty about wanting a wedding, and I've been struggling with finding the words to express to him that I don't want him to feel guilty for that. I just want him to understand where I am coming from, and why I react the way I do and have the apprehensions I have.
I am beyond happy at our ability to reach a happy medium. Just further proof that he is indeed my person. 2017 is gonna be litttttt! :)
Bout It/Bout It (c) Master P
Soooooo I love NOLA. To me it is the perfect blend of ratchet and culture. Two of my favorites things... A much better, and blacker Vegas... and it's hands down my favorite southern city. So when the question came up about where I would have my bachelorette party there was no question.... NOLA!!!! I'm very apprehensive because most of my closest friends are males... and most of my closest female friends are married with children and have real life responsibilities... I'm not really sure if they will be able to come for the turn up... But I can't worry about all that... If it's just me and my reckless male friends with no wives, children and loads of disposable income, that will be enough... so I've decided NOLA is the move. UNLESS... Afropunk NY is the week before my wedding, then I'm taking my talents to Afropunk... I shall decide either way as soon as the date for Afropunk is released... Either way it feels good to have some things mapped out. I'm pumped.
Sometimes I need to be alone/B*tch don't kill my vibe (c) K. Dot
It took me the LONGEST to figure out why I didn't want a wedding... I sat alone with my thoughts and it was so obvious... I DON'T LIKE ATTENTION! Lol. The idea of the focus being on me for hoursssssss is enough to make me extremely annoyed and anxious, and everyone that has been to a wedding knows that a bride is the focal point of the whole extravaganza... This prompted me to wonder... Surely introverted women get married and have weddings. What do they do? How do they survive the ordeal....? That's when I came across this blog post that changed my life! I am so excited to chronicle this experience and share things that I found comforting throughout this process with my fellow introvert brides, I hope to be a resource because I know there are a lot of us out there and it was hard to find articles like the one I posted for us to reference when we are strugg. I felt less alone after reading that post, and it gave me some great ideas for my special day. Buzzfeed stay winnin!
It's An American Wedding/They Don't Mean Too Much/But We Were So In Love (c) Frank Ocean
I've found since getting engaged that a lot of women are skipping the wedding, or at least wanting to. I didn't realize how popular this was until I started discussing the desires of non engaged as well as engaged and even married women on twitter and seeing that I was not in the minority in terms of not necessarily wanting a wedding. I think it's a millenial thing. I see that nowadays folks are skipping the wedding all together and opting to elope or have a small ceremony and save the hoopla and the duckets. Something that was unheard of in our parents' day.
I have never been the person that grew up fantasizing about their wedding. I'm extremely low key and don't like fuss or drama. I have always thought weddings are more for the guests than the actual people getting married... I have been in 7 weddings and the stress surrounding them totally turned me off. Spending all that money to entertain others was just never something that appealed to me. I am a travel junkie and want to see the world.... So I've always dreamed of taking the thousands that people normally spend on a wedding and spending a month or so traveling the world. I voiced this to my fiance' several times before he popped the question but I think he just thought I was being jaded and didn't take me serious lol. THEN, we got engaged... and my opinion didn't shift not one bit.
I have come around and am now actively engaging in the most expensive compromise I've ever had to endure lol. I must admit initially I was frustrated, but now I can say I am fine with it all. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean I'm not going to use this blog as a venting tool lol. I recognize that being in a room with family and friends is something that doesn't happen almost ever as an adult... and that is what keeps me motivated and excited about it all. I'm big on family and friends so any opportunity to fellowship with them makes me happy, and I couldn't imagine sharing such an important milestone without them. Though I don't want a wedding I don't want my fiance' to feel as though I'm going to spend this whole wedding planning process secretly wishing that we could just elope, because that's not the case. Sometimes you just have to trust the process, and even though this isn't necessarily how I envisioned my life, I am totally fine just going with the flow. I'm marrying the man of my dreams, so at the end of the day that's all I really need.
**Swoons**
When you see your dream elopement while you're planning your wedding... Lol